Week 7 Results

Edit: Wow, I forgot to post this. Lol.

This might be the worst week of football in NFL history. As far as my guessing vs. the spread. And also in general.

Jets @ Patriots. Pick: Patriots -10. Result: Patriots, 27-25. Wrong.
The Jets kept it closer than I expected and Shane Vereen caught two receiving touchdowns. What the hell.

Seahawks @ Rams. Pick: Seahawks -7.5. Result: Rams, 28-26. Wrong.
This might be the worst finish to a game I've ever seen. The Seahawks were down 21-6 at the half, but in fourth quarter pulled within two (28-26) with just over three minutes to play. The Rams started driving. There were under two minutes to play in the game (after an amazing third-down deflection by Sherman and an amazing fourth-down fake by Hekker), and the Seahawks didn't have any time-outs left. If the Rams converted a first down, they'd win it. And lo and behold, their running back broke through Seattle's (literally) crippled run defense and got past the marker. But wait! He lost the ball! It's loose downfield! There's a pile! Sherman's on the bottom of the pile! Sherman is literally on top of the ball! The call on the field is the Rams recovered, but surely they'll review it, given how it's a fumble coming in the last two minutes, WHICH ALWAYS, ALWAYS, EVERY SINGLE TIME GETS REVIEWED----- Game over. On the plus side, Russell Wilson looked amazing. Maybe now that he's playing on an apparently bad team, all the... how should I put this... "football-IQ challenged" people who didn't think he could "carry a team" will finally recognize that Wilson might be one of the best quarterbacks ever.

(More fun with PFR searches! If we knock the requirements down to allow some mediocre QBs to make the cut, we still end up with a pretty goddamn solid list. Every player on that list is either going to Canton (most of them), deserves to go to Canton (Rivers and Romo), or inexplicably had one of the greatest seasons of all time last year, which was so incredibly good that it actually defies flukiness (Foles). Seriously, Wilson is, both in terms of statistics and accomplishments, one of the best QBs ever. Deal with it.)

Falcons @ Ravens. Pick: Falcons +7. Result: Ravens, 29-7. Wrong.
I SAID I didn't know how to predict this game.

Titans @ Redskins. Pick: Titans +5.5. Result: Redskins, 19-17. Right.
I don't know whether to be happy or confused. Colt McCoy won that game for them... Going 11/12 for 128 yds and a TD... giving him a UPR of 150.7... I'm going with confused.

Browns @ Jaguars. Pick: Browns -6. Result: Jaguars, 24-6. Wrong.
The two starting QBs in this game finished with PRs, respectively, of 46.3 and 40.3 (UPR 39.6). The difference is that Jacksonville inexplicably had success in their running game. Prior to today, they ranked 31st in rush yards, t-31st in rush TDs, and t-29th in yards per attempt. Weird.

Bengals @ Colts. Pick: Bengals +3.5. Result: Colts, 27-0. Wrong.
WHAT THE HELL. I thought the Bengals were supposed to be good?? Did Brady and Belichick just shit on them so hard that they completely broke their will? You know, like they did with Tebow? Twice? Wait, that's totally what happened. It still makes me a little ill to see Andrew Luck play well. Not because I dislike him. I really don't; it's just that I dislike his fans. (I feel the same way about Oregon football, veganism, and Mahler.) My problem with Luck being successful is that it might make the people who have been erroneously proclaiming him the GOAT since day one think that they were right all along. When they were completely wrong.

Vikings @ Bills. Pick: Vikings +6. Result: Bills, 17-16. Right.
So... Bridgewater didn't do the whole bouncing back thing. He might just suck. And Watkins might just be good. But at least I was still right. And that's the most important thing.

Dolphins @ Bears. Pick: Bears -3.5. Result: Dolphins, 27-14. Wrong.
Fucking Tannehill and his fucking athleticism and his fucking incredibly hot wife. At least Forte is still killing it for my fantasy team. Because I kinda feel like when I'm doing good in fantasy football, I'm doing good in life.

Saints @ Lions. Pick: Lions -3. Result: Lions, 24-23. Wrong.
...Golden Tate killing it for my fantasy team. Which is good, because if I lost this week, I'd be losing to a guy who's still starting Ray "Ike Turner" Rice.

Panthers @ Packers. Pick: Panthers +7. Result: Packers, 38-17. Wrong.
This game has no redeeming feature. Well, maybe one. Rodgers turning on God Mode again with a 167.8 UPR. Will someone please get his mom to tell him that it's unfair to the other kids when he does that? Seriously, can we talk about how fucking amazing Aaron Rodgers is for a second? In his last four games, in chronological order, he's put up uncapped passer ratings of 160.1, 158.0, 99.7, and 167.8. That's two games above the "perfect games" cap (of capped PR), and another that's within half a point. IN FOUR GAMES. His "down" game was still almost a 100 passer rating. Through those four games, he's put up a 70.6% cmp%, a 13-0 TD-int ratio (putting him on pace for a second-best all-time 52, with an obviously-best all-time 0 ints if he did it for a season), 977 yds (9.0 YPA), and a 138.1 UPR. And it's important that I specify UPR, because through the last four games, his TD rate is over the PR ceiling of 11.875%. That's ABSURD. Rodgers might end up being in the MVP conversation after all (although the Rivers hype train is in full swing).

Chiefs @ Chargers. Pick: Chargers -4. Result: Chiefs, 23-20. Wrong.
And like that, Rivers is mortal. Who knew it would be Kansas City who finally slowed him down?

Cardinals @ Raiders. Pick: Cards -4. Result: Cards, 24-13. Right.
Did you know that once Oakland played a game in which both of their QBs (both >=14 atts) finished with passer ratings under 0, and in fact combined for a passer rating of -12.6? Seriously, this happened. The opposing team had a QB throw for a 38.3 passer rating, with 0 TDs and 2 ints, and STILL won an easy four-score blowout. That might be the single worst team passing game of all time.

Giants @ Cowboys. Pick: Cowboys -6.5. Result: Cowboys, 31-21. Right.
I get some right now and then. Even though still FUCK THIS WEEK.

49ers @ Broncos. Pick: Broncos -6.5. Result: Broncos, 42-17. Right.
I love Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth. They have a great back-and-forth. "'This iiis too eeeeasy for meee." "You're a genius." Also, yes, the Broncos are this good. Manning is that good. Hillman is NOT that good and Manning should have had those touchdowns. Gabbert really is better than Kaepernick. Whom I'm gonna name The Captain. Of dressing like a douche. Which can be shortened to Codlad. Which sounds like Conrad. Which is the last name of Joseph Conrad. Who wrote Heart of Darkness. Which was inspired by the genocide in Congo. You heard it here first, folks: Colin Kaepernick tacitly endorses genocide.

Texans @ Steelers. Pick: Texans +3.5. Result: Steelers, 30-23. Wrong.
OH MY GOD WHAT FUCKING SURPRISE THE TEXANS DISAPPOINTED ME AGAIN. How do you allow 24 points in two minutes and 54 seconds??? Crazy fluke plays is how. But still. You're a professional NFL team. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Weekly total: 5-10. Running total: 15-14-1. I'm still above .500! Despite THE WORST WEEK OF FOOTBALL EVER.