NFL Week 5 Reaction

HI GUYS IT'S ME JESSE

FOOTBALL HAPPENED

Vikings @ Packers. Prediction: Packers. Result: Packers, 42-10.
Commentary: Aaron Rodgers is a green god. Christian Ponder is terrible. This game was slightly less close than it appeared. And it appeared BAD.

Bengals @ Patriots. Prediction: Bengals. Result: Patriots, 43-17.
Commentary: BRADY'S BACK!!!! Was this a resurgence or was it the last breath of a dying career? A swan song, if you will? I'm gonna credit myself for the "random big game" prediction because Dalton was amazing. Even though I specified non-QB. Whatever.

Bears @ Panthers. Prediction: Bears. Result: Panthers, 31-24.
Commentary: Fucking... god dammit.

Browns @ Titans. Prediction: Titans. Result: Browns, 29-28.
Commentary: THEY WERE UP 28-3. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DO YOU ALLOW A 26-POINT COMEBACK TO BRIAN FUCKING HOYER. HOW DO YOU LOSE WHEN YOU HAVE TWO QBS THROWING FOR 120+ PASSER RATINGS OVER SIGNIFICANT ATTEMPTS.

Rams @ Eagles. Prediction: Eagles. Result: Eagles, 34-28.
Commentary: They TRIED to throw this one away. They were up 34-7 and they almost managed to lose it. Fuckers.

Falcons @ Giants. Prediction: Falcons. Result: Giants, 30-20.
Commentary: They were up 20-10. They allowed a big second-half comeback and lost. I'M SENSING A FUCKING PATTERN.

Bucs @ Saints. Prediction: Saints. Result: Saints, 37-31.
Commentary: The Saints went up 13-0. The Saints went down 24-13, and subsequently 31-20. The Saints went up 37-31. Playing with my emotions.

Texans @ Cowboys. Prediction: Texans. Result: Cowboys, 20-17.
Commentary: Fucking. Texans. You're breaking my heart. For the third time.

Bills @ Lions. Prediction: Lions. Result: Bills, 17-14.
Commentary: Detroit went up 14-0. I should have fucking known what was coming. But no. Dan Carpenter, who is a KICKER, and someone named Chris Gragg, who has simultaneously the worst and greatest name I've ever heard, conspired to destroy me yet again.

Ravens @ Colts. Prediction: Ravens. Result: Colts, 20-13.
Commentary: In my defense, Luck DID slow down when he hit a decent defense.

Steelers @ Jags. Prediction: Jags. Result: Steelers, 17-9.
Commentary: Yeah, I didn't actually expect this one to work. Addendum: I'm starting to lose faith in Bortles.

Cards @ Broncos. Prediction: Cards. Result: Broncos, 41-20.
Commentary: This one either. At least they kept it close. At first. Also, Logan Thomas with one of the strangest statlines I've ever seen: 1/8 passing, for 81 yards and 1 TD, giving him a capped rating of 108.9 and a UPR of 77.5.

Chiefs @ 49ers. Prediction: 49ers. Result: 49ers, 22-17.
Commentary: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU!

Jets @ Chargers. Prediction: Chargers. Result: Chargers, 31-0.
Commentary: Ahhh. It feels good to get one dead on. Rivers is a beast. Geno's 7.6 rating was inflated slightly; his uncapped rating should have been 4.5. The Jets didn't have a QB throw for more than 2.5 yards per attempt. I just got a contact sad from writing that.

Seahawks @ Skins. Prediction: Seahawks. Result: Seahawks, 27-17.
Commentary: This game shouldn't have been anywhere near as close as it was. Penalties, primarily from offensive linemen, and a few key drops and mistakes from Wilson's receivers tempered his game, but Russell still looked like an absolute god, completing 75% of his passes for 201 yds and 2 TDs (127.3 PR), plus running for a MNF-QB-record 122 yards and a score. Harvin looked absolutely incredible, scoring three touchdowns that were called back in addition to his other contributions. Jon Ryan had probably the best game by a punter I've ever seen. And Bobby Wagner looked like the best LB in the league. Meanwhile the Redskins-minus-DJax struggled all day, and while Jackson broke a couple deep, he wasn't enough to win it for the Skins. The Redskins' 1.88 yards per rush attempt is the fifth-worst tally this season, and the Redskins' worst since 2010. The Seahawks inexplicably have an incredibly dominant run defense this year. I credit Brandon Mebane and Bobby Wagner.

Final Tally: 6-9. With FOUR games in which a team I picked went up by multiple scores, blew it, and lost; a fifth in which the team went up multiple scores, blew it, went DOWN multiple scores, then came back and lost; and a sixth in which a team went up multiple scores, allowed a huge comeback, NEARLY blew it, and then pulled it out. I'll say it again: The NFL is weird this year.