NFL Week 6 Predictions

Vs. the spread. LEGGO.

Colts @ Texans. Line: Ind -3. Pick: Colts.
I realize this game already happened. I made my pick as soon as Houston broke my heart for the third and last time. I just didn't finish writing the article until today.

Jaguars @ Titans. Line: Ten -5. Pick: Titans.
Sorry Jags. Apparently the Titans are underrated, and you guys still suck. PROVE ME WRONG BORTLES. I BELIEVE IN YOUUUUU.

Ravens @ Buccaneers. Line: Bal -3.5. Pick: Ravens.
Sorry Bucs. You're not underrated. You're just bad.

Broncos @ Jets. Line: Den -9.5. Pick: Broncos.
Yeah, the Jets are this bad. Sorry football god.

Lions @ Vikings. Line: Min -1.5. Pick: Lions.
I have no idea what to expect from the Vikings. Literally none. They could put up 50 points on the board and absolutely blow out the Lions. Or they could turn the ball over 7 times and lose by 30. Either seems plausible to me. Bridgewater should be back for this game, which definitely helps Minny's chances (and is why they're favored even though Detroit's been the better team so far), but he's going to have a harder time against Detroit's excellent defense (2nd in scoring so far this year) than against Atlanta's abysmal one (29th). Lions pull this one out. Who knows, it may even be close.

Panthers @ Bengals. Line: Cin -6.5. Pick: Panthers.
This is exactly what this game is going to look like. Anyway. This feels like a trap game to me. I don't want to pick either side. It's a trap game for both sides. The Panthers suck, so they should get blown out, but the Bengals didn't look convincing against New England (#understatement), and now that I look at their games played, their only multi-score wins are against the presumably mediocre Titans and the decidedly mediocre Falcons. I'm predicting a close game either way, which means this is the right call.

Steelers @ Browns. Line: Cle -1. Pick: Steelers.
Fuck. I hate picking the Steelers almost as much as I hate Pink Floyd. But I will never, ever, ever trust Cleveland to win.

Packers @ Dolphins. Line: GB -3. Pick: Packers.
Aaron Rodgers turned on God Mode. His last two games are just outrageous. Meanwhile Miami sucks harder than Pink Floyd. IT'S LIKE NOVOCAINE FOR YOUR BRAIN. (Which I guess is the idea, but still.) God, I fucking hate Pink Floyd. How is the line for this game only -3???

Chargers @ Raiders. Line: SD -7.5. Pick: Chargers.
The Chargers might be the second-best team in the league, and they're not lower than third. The Raiders are bottom-three. I'd pick SD -14, but I don't have to.

Bears @ Falcons. Line: Atl -3. Pick: Bears.
I still believe.

Redskins @ Cardinals. Line: Ari -3.5. Pick: Cards.
God. I want to pick the Redskins. But I just can't.

Giants @ Eagles. Line: Phi -2.5. Pick: Eagles.
I don't believe in either one of these teams. I don't want to pick either one of these teams. But what's the alternative? I don't believe in the Eagles less.

Patriots @ Bills. Line: NE -3. Pick: Patriots.
I guess. Maybe Brady's back?

Cowboys @ Seahawks. Line: Sea -9. Pick: Seahawks.
I like the Cowboys this year. I think they keep it close. And by that I mean I considered picking Dallas so I win if Seattle wins by 7. FOR A SECOND. Fuck that. Seahawks by 20, baby.

Niners @ Rams. Line: SF -3.5. Pick: Niners.
The Rams suck. So do the Farty-Whiners (couldn't resist), but they suck less. A lot less.

Go Hawks.