Wazzaaaaaaaap? (Yeah, that's right, you haven't fucking seen THAT in ten years.) Um. Week 2 is over, and here's what happened.
Steelers @ Ravens: 26-6 Ravens. Prediction: Ravens, not close. Verdict: PERFECT!
I AM A GOD. A football god. Good for you, Flaccastrophe. Prove the doubters wrong. You're still #eliteasfuck.
Seahawks @ Chargers: 30-21 Chargers. Prediction: Seahawks not close. Verdict: Wrong.
Fuck. Fuck this game. The Seahawks' offense looked fantastic, but the defense just couldn't handle the heat. And I mean that literally. They're great under pressure. Just not when it's fucking 120 degrees on the field because you live in North Mexico. Meanwhile San Diego's massively underrated offensive looked unstoppable. Good for them.
Patriots @ Vikings: 30-7 Patriots. Prediction: Patriots close. Verdict: Rightish.
Oh look Brady's back a little bit. And Cassel (39.1 PR) is back to his old self. Turns out losing your best player (by far) hurts your team. And let me take this opportunity to say that Adrian Peterson is a fucking terrible person. Hitting a child is child abuse. If you can't figure out a healthier way to discipline your child, it's because you're a bad parent. But what Peterson did goes way beyond spanking or slapping or any of the awful-but-somehow-relatively-socially-acceptable corporal punishments that bad parents with archaic ideas of child-rearing dole out. He beat the crap out of a four-year-old with a stick. He hurt his child badly enough that the wounds I saw on the internet, pictures taken a week after the fact, were sickening. He stuffed leaves in his child's mouth as he whipped him. He had a room specifically for hurting his child. Cris Carter nailed it. Adrian Peterson is a piece of shit.
Dolphins @ Bills: 29-10 Bills. Prediction: Dolphins close. Verdict: Wrong.
So Wake did literally nothing. And Sammy Watkins, whom I've long said is overrated and will amount to little at the pro level, actually did something. Is it possible that I was--NO. We mustn't think these thoughts, Jesse.
Jaguars @ Redskins: 41-10 Redskins. Prediction: Redskins, not close. Verdict: RIGHT!!
#nailedit. Okay, so maybe I should have said "I believe in Redskins quarterbacks." I mean, RGIII got injured and is missing time (fuck), but Kirk Cousins #killedit. I'll also point out that Morris, now with a real QB again, is playing very well. Fuck I should have taken him in my #FF #league.
Cowboys @ Titans: 26-10 Cowboys. Prediction: Cowboys, close. Verdict: Rightish.
I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. Jake Locker loves making bad throws, that's his fucking problem. But he also loves throwing to Delanie Walker, which worked out surprisingly well for him. Tony Romo loves throwing for passer ratings in the range of 90-99 and being underrated, that's his fucking problem. Or maybe his problem is getting tackled by Big Play Babs after muffing the snap in the 2006 NFC Wild Card playoffs. YEAH I WENT THERE.
Cardinals @ Giants: 25-14 Cardinals. Prediction: Cardz, not close. Verdict: Right.
Yes, the Giants are that bad. Yes, the Cardinals' D is that good. No, the rest of the Red Team isn't quite that good. No, they're not going to win the NFC West. Down, boy.
Saints @ Browns: 26-24 Browns. Prediction: Saints, not close. Verdict: Wrong.
HOW THE FUCK DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN???
Falcons @ Bengals: 24-10 Bengals. Prediction: Falcons, close. Verdict: Wrong.
Oops. (Dalton working off that contract, though.)
Lions @ Panthers: 24-7 Panthers. Prediction: Lions, not close. Verdict: Very wrong.
ALL THAT RESEARCH FOR NOTHING!!! It turns out good teams, in a surprising twist, are still better than bad teams. I didn't expect that.
Rams @ Buccaneers: 19-17 Rams. Prediction: Bucs, close. Verdict: Wrongish.
I don't feel bad about this one. I said both teams suck. They do.
Texans @ Raiders: 30-14 Texans. Prediction: Texans, not close. Verdict: SO RIGHT!!!!
FUCKING NAILED IT. I love the Texans this year. Baby. They're coming back. That Fitzpatrick. That Watt. (That what?) That Watt. (That what?) That Watt. (That what?) You heard me. (Cool.)
Jets @ Packers: 31-24 Packers. Prediction: Packers, not close. Verdict: Right more or less.
Nice game from Jordy Nelson. Solid performance from Rodgers. The Jets weren't great. THIS IS WHAT YOU'D BE GETTING IF I WERE A NORMAL SPORTSWRITER.
Instead I'm going to say that Rodger's performance was nearly Wilson-esque, and Geno Smith actually looked passable (no pun intended) despite, you know, the bad passing. Football God thinks the Jets are a top-four team in the AFC. I'm not quite that high on them, but I'm excited to see what they can do.
Chiefs @ Broncos: 24-17 Broncos. Prediction: Broncos, not close. Verdict: Pretty much right.
It's the Broncos. Peyton had a passer rating of 143.9. He's Peyton. This is why he's going to win OPOY. (Actually if he keeps up at this pace he'll just win MVP again. Fuck.) Meanwhile the Chiefs were all overrated-y and played like an overrated team. Because--guess what... They're overrated.
Bears @ 49ers: 28-20 Bears. Prediction: 49ers, close. Verdict: Wrongish.
I do love that Bears offense. But more than that I LOVE that Bears defense. I mean, holding SF to 20 points is impressive enough. But picking off the loathsome Kaepernick three times?? Including two by Kyle Fuller, who stole Devin Hester's number (grr), and one incredibly athletic one by Chris Conte? That was awesome. Go Bears.
Oh yeah, so the Monday night game hasn't happened yet. This is awkward.
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