Power Rankings, Week 2

We're back, baby! Week Two of the En Eff El Power Rankings! Will I make it all the way through this time?? Will there be teams in my rankings besides the Seahawks, Texans, and Lions?? Are the Seahawks going to be first or--gasp--second?? Stay tuned to find out. Thrilling, I know. Your ticket pays for your whole seat, but you'll only need the EDGE. The EDGE. The EDGE. The EDGE. The EDGE. This is now a blog about people standing at the edge of things underwater.

1. Seattle Seahawks. YEAH BITCH!! SEAHAWKS! I mean, yes, I realize that the Seahawks lost in a pretty ugly fashion last week. I realize that. But they're still the best team in football. Here are a list of relevant facts and/or opinions I feel strongly enough to refer to them as facts:

- The Seahawks blew out the Packers, who are at least as good as the Chargers, in week 1.
- That first fact is wrong, and the Chargers are massively underrated. They have an elite offense.
- The temperature on the field was something like 120 degrees last Sunday. The Seahawks sent several players to the locker room to get on fluids. Because it was the temperature you'd cook a chicken at. If you wanted salmonella. Salmonelsa.
- The Chargers had the ball for like 42:15 out of the 60 minute game (approximately). That's an ABSURD time of possession disparity. They wore out our defense by taking advantage of their cheating-ass Southern California sun and running a slow-paced fast-paced offense.
- The Seahawks were actually amazing on offense. Wilson put up a 119.1 rating and 2 TDs, and the combined efforts of our running backs averaged 8.3 YPC. Even our running backs not named Percy (of which there were only four on Sunday) averaged 5.727272727272727272727272 yards per carry.
- The Seahawks' defense is still the best in the league. And one of the best ever.
- It's probably never going to be that hot again.
- Seahawks are #1.
- Deal with it.

2. Denver Broncos. Okay, so I don't actually think the Broncos as a team look that good this year. They've won by a touchdown against Indianapolis and Kansas City, who are easily the two most overrated teams of the season. Unless people still think Cleveland is remotely good. Is that a thing people think? BUT Peyton Manning looks like a fucking football god out there. He's thrown for a passer rating of 126.5 through two games. That's practically Wilson-esque. Wilson, esq. God, Russell Wilson is so great, isn't he? Mmm...

3. Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals are legit GOOD this year. They might be the best team in the AFC. Andy Dalton... Wait, I have to be able to think of a good nickname here. Hang on. Dalt... Daltoid? No. Dalter... Hm. Ander--- no. Fuck. Fuck this.

4. Carolina Panthers. This is the last conventional pick. Prepare your fucking mind, because it's about to get blown. I haven't really been following Carolina. Apparently Derek Anderson started for them at some point? I missed that dude. He was pretty solid in '07. Too bad he got overshadowed by that dude with the hot girlfriend. You know... Ryan Tannehill. I mean, FUCK. Why couldn't I have been a quarterback? Look at this shit. Fuck.

5. Houston Texans. YOU HEARD ME. Watt is the greatest defensive player in the league, possibly ever. He gets crucial stops and pressures more often than Andrew Luck acts awkward around pretty girls. Like Lauren Tannehill. Oh, and Ryan Fitzpatrick looks incredible. What is this?? How are this many quarterbacks killing it this year??

6. Washington Redskins. Other people make power rankings by basically listing the teams in the order of how they did last year and then making tiny little adjustments (tiny like Luck's confidence with women) until it becomes glaringly obvious how great a team is. Like the Redskins, when they go into their bye at 7-2. Seriously, this team is good. Kirk Cousins looks great (WHAT IS HAPPENING) and their defense is good or whatever. More importantly, they lost to a 'bad' team in the Texans in week 1 (who I think are actually good, obviously), and then they shit on the Jaguars, who actually are pretty bad. That's what you'd expect from the #6 team in my rankings. Which the Redskins are. BOW DOWN TO WASHINGTON!

7. San Francisco 49ers. How can they not be good? They have Stevie "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." Johnson on their team!

8. New England Patriots. How can they not be good? They have a quarterback whose wife is moderately attractive. I mean, she's okay I guess. She's no Lauren Tannehill. I mean... fuck.

9. San Diego Chargers. Does Rivers have a hot wife? Um... no. He does not. Good for him, I guess... I mean, he's worth TENS of MILLIONS. That's tens of millions more than I'm ever going to be worth. If I had that kind of money, I'd be dating Lauren Tannehill. Who looks like a zombie in that pic. But hey... I'm into it. Football! Right. Rivers is playing well or whatever and the Chargers are a solid football squad. I don't know. These are power rankings. I make them up essentially at random. You're not here for analysis.

10. Chicago Bears. The other team with a dominant offense, but the Bears have a better defense! So why are they below the Chargers, you might ask? Because the Chargers beat the Seahawks, while the Bears beat the Niners. Seriously. I think the Bears are a better team. But the Chargers beat the SEAHAWKS. (This is why power rankings are arbitrary and stupid. Because I can do shit like this.)

11. Green Bay Packers. What even is the "green bay"? Some bay on Lake Michigan? Wait, that's exactly what it is. But why are they called the PACKERS? Some 1920s bullshit when "packers" was something besides a joke? Okay, yes. Remember when this happened?

12. Philadelphia Eagles. Nick Foles fell back to earth in a big way. His stats are practically Luck-like, except that 8.0 YPA, which eclipses anything Luck's ever accomplished. EVER. Plus, Foles can actually talk to girls apparently. Good for him.

13. Buffalo Bills. There's something in me that doesn't want to have the Bills this high. I know they're 2-0. I know both the offense and defense look solid (and EJ Manuel looks decent). I know they beat the Bears and crushed the Dolphins. But they're still the BILLS, you know? I don't trust it. I don't trust any of it. If I had to pick one 2-0 team with a chance to pull a Texans and go 2-14 (I'm so sorry Texans), it would be the Bills. Because they're the Bills. You know? It's just... they're the Bills. They're like the Browns except without the championships in the '50s. They lost the Super Bowl four years in a row. Their best players in history are OJ, who's probably the least desirable "best player in history" you can possibly have, and Bruce Smith, who I can't actually say anything bad about because he's kind of a beast. I just... I can't trust them.

14. Arizona Cardinals. Carson Palmer is kinda killing it again, joining the quarterbacks with passer ratings of 105+. Which is now a very extensive group. The Cardinals also still have an excellent defense, and they'll (have to) show it over the next three weeks as they face SF, Denver, and Washington in rapid succession. Should be interesting.

15. Detroit Lions. Yes, the Lions just got destroyed by Carolina. Yes, Matt Stafford has been good but not great. Yes, they don't have an effective running game. Yes, there are some questions about the defense. But.

16. Baltimore Ravens. Flaccastrophe, also known as "the average-income man's Andrew Luck" because he plays almost identically to Andrew Luck except he also had that playoff run where he was better than Luck has ever been, also known as Joe Flacco to those who don't read my blog, is mediocre. Like Andrew Luck. And while the Ravens have looked okay on defense, and Justin Forsett is filling in nicely for the awful (person) Ray Rice, I still don't think the Ravens are great this year. I don't really have nice things to say about any team below #12.

17. Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan is Andrew Luck's ceiling.

18. New Orleans Saints. Sure, the Saints have started off the season 0-2. But lots of great teams have started out the season 0-2! Probably. I don't know how to look this up. Does PFR have a search function for this?

19. Miami Dolphins. I don't know anything about this team. I don't know why they're here. How did you people get in my room?

20. Dallas Cowboys. God, I wish the Cowboys had beaten the 49ers. They'd be top ten in my list, straight-up. Never say that I'm not a generous god.

21. Tennessee Titans. I still love you, Jake. I really do. But I just don't foresee a lot of success for the Titans this year.

22. New York Jets. I don't know about you, but I have a strange feeling that the Jets might not be a bottom-ten team in the league this year. They're not exactly winning the AFCE with Geno Smith and the Ghost of Michael Vick at quarterback, but they won't go 2-14 either.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers. I hate the Steelers.

24. Cleveland Browns. WHERE IS YOUR MANZIEL HYPE NOW?

25. Indianapolis Colts. You know how every quarterback in the league is kinda killing it so far this year? How every half-decent QB seems to have a passer rating of 105 and up? Like how (of all QBs with 22 attempts or more) there are nine QBs with a PR of 100+ in the league this year and three at 114.7 or better? (A group which comprises what I think should be considered the First Great Triumvirate of Quarterbacking Excellency: Peyton Manning, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Russell Wilson)? You know how 1984 was the Year of Marino, and '94 was the Year of Young, and '04 was the Year of Manning, and '14 is looking like the Year of Wilson? You know how one would expect every gifted young quarterback to be putting up a passer rating AT LEAST in the triple digits, if not quadruple? Guess what Andrew Luck's passer rating is? No, really, guess. I'll give you a hint: It's lower than Ryan Fitzpatrick's. It's lower than Derek Anderson's. It's lower than Jay Cutler's and EJ Manuel's and Austin Davis's and Brian Hoyer's. It is 85.5, which places Luck at 20th in the league. I'm so happy.

Oh yeah, and you know how I always joke about Luck not being able to talk to girls, and about how all other quarterbacks seem to have ridiculously hot wives? And you were probably thinking, "Naw, I bet Luck TOTALLY has mad bitches. After all, he went to Stanford, studied some bastard easy-mode version of Architecture, and is both a professional athlete and in fact the #1 overall pick in his draft." Right? Well guess fucking what: here she is. She looks like the awful girl from Freaks and Geeks. She looks like the kind of girl a pedophile might be attracted to so that he can pretend he's banging a much younger girl because she looks so fucking young. She looks like EXACTLY the kind of girl you'd expect to end up dating an NFL player who has no idea how to talk to girls. Like Andrew Luck.

26. Minnesota Vikings. Adrian Peterson is still a horrible person, but at least it looks like he won't be playing football anytime soon. The Vikings are probably screwed without him. It's a testament to how bad the rest of these teams are that Minnesota is still only #26.

27. St. Louis Rams. I think the Rams are better than the Vikings, but I can't bring myself to put them at #26 when they got blown out by Minny in week 1.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Before us now stretches the abyss. Behold it, but beware, for when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

29. Kansas City Chiefs. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

30. Oakland Raiders. There is no God and we are his prophets.

31. New York Giants. My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

32. Jacksonville Jaguars. That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die.

I'm finished.