Redrafting for the Oakland Raiders

The Oakland Raiders suck at drafting. This isn't entirely their fault; up until recently they enjoyed some of the worst ownership and front office management in NFL history. The Raiders aren't the worst franchise in NFL history, and as recently as 2002 they even made the Super Bowl, losing to the immortal Tampa Bay Buccaneers and their groundbreaking cover-2 defensive scheme. This makes it okay to make fun of them. In this article, I'm going to go back through each NFL draft since 2003 (the year after the Raiders' Super Bowl loss) and look at some of the picks they COULD have made which, in all likelihood, would have kept their franchise at the top of the league for that entire span. I can do this because of hindsight and because I'm a better GM than whoever the Raiders' GM has been for the past 12 years.

2003 NFL Draft:

• 1.31: Nnamdi Asomugha -> Nnamdi Asomugha. No change. I actually think this was a pretty good pick. Nnamdi was a great corner for a number of years.
• 1.32: Tyler Brayton -> Lance Briggs. I know, Tyler who? Haha. Stupid Raiders.
• 2.63: Teyo Johnson -> Jason Witten. This probably woulda helped.
• 3.83: (Expansion) Sam Williams -> Asante Samuel. Who? Oh, just a four-time Pro Bowler and future All Pro. And two-time Super Bowl winner. Stupid dumb Raiders.
• 3.96: Justin Fargas -> Dan Koppen. Koppen is one of the best centers of the era and the Raiders would have benefited hugely from him.
• 4.129: Shurron Pierson -> Robert Mathis. Durrrr.
• 5.167: Doug Gabriel -> Cato June. Not that great a player. Still a Pro Bowler. Unlike Gabriel. Lmao.
• 6.204: Dustin Rykert -> Yeremiah Bell. Decent safety. Also, did you know that David Tyree was drafted in 2003? That seems really early. But then again, his big play was in 2007. That's only four years. Time moves hella fast.
• 7.246: Siddeeq Shabazz -> Kevin Walter. It's entirely possible some other player at the bottom of the draft is better. I don't recognize any of their names.
• 7.262: Ryan Hoag -> Ryan Hoag. Not because he's good. He's just the last player in the draft. I guess they could have taken Tony Romo, Kris Dielman, or Antonio Gates, all of whom went undrafted............. But that would just make this whole thing unfair. (Ha.)

2004 NFL Draft: (Now it gets fun!)

• 1.2: Robert Gallery -> Larry Fitzgerald. Oakland had the second overall pick in a draft which sent seven of its first eight picks, and ten of its first 14, to the Pro Bowl. Guess which team in the top eight whiffed on their selection? Say it with me, folks: That's so Raiders!
• 2.45: Jake Grove -> Darnell Dockett. ...How is this the Raiders' next selection? I really wanted to catch Bob Sanders at 2.44, but noooo. Also wow the Cardinals killed it in '04.
• 3.67: Stuart Schweigert -> Matt Schaub. I know. But by now Rich Gannon is old as fuck/retired and we need someone better than Kerry Collins to step in eventually. In real life, the Raiders never found that quarterback. In fake life, Schaub can be a placeholder.
• 4.99: Carlos Francis -> Jared Allen. Hell yes. One of the greatest DEs ever (yes, really) in the 4th? I'll take it!
• 5.134: Johnnie Morant -> Michael Turner. A franchise RB in the fifth? Hell yes. Unless he learned everything he knows from playing behind LaDainian Tomlinson (and alongside Lorenzo Neal and Darren Sproles in what was, with Philip Rivers, the greatest backfield of all time).
• 6.166: Shawn Johnson -> Andy Lee. Yeah, the punter. We're going to draft a lot of punters in this article, basically on principle. He's still a better football player than Johnson (who went on to win a few gold medals in gymnastics in 2008). Still a little surprised she got drafted.
• 6.182: Cody Spencer -> Patrick Crayton. Maybe. Idk.
• 7.245: Courtney Anderson -> Scott Wells. Yep, another Pro Bowl center. CUZ THEY NEED MORE.
• 7.255: Andre Sommersell -> Andre Sommersell. You guessed it! Mr. Irrelevant. I guess the Raiders are just the best at being--okay I can't even finish that joke. Wait, yes I can. Irrelevant.

2005 NFL Draft: (and now it gets sad.)

• 1.23: Fabian Washington -> Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. One pick off. Fabian started 45 games for the Raiders. Rodgers has won two MVPs and will be a Hall of Famer one day.
• 2.38: Stanford Routt -> Vincent Jackson. Because Fitzgerald isn't enough. (I know, I need to draft more offensive linemen.)
• 3.69: Andrew Walter -> Justin Tuck. Yeah.
• 3.78: Kirk Morrison -> Evan Mathis. Yeeeaaah.
• 6.175: Anttaj Hawthorne -> Chris Myers. I guess.
• 6.212: Ryan Riddle -> Derek Anderson. I guess again. So now our QB depth chart goes Rodgers -> Schaub -> Anderson -> Collins. I guessssss.
• 6.214: Pete McMahon -> Jay Ratliff. Who was somehow really good from 2008-2011, but I don't remember him at all???

2006 NFL Draft: (and it keeps getting sadder...)

• 1.7: Michael Huff -> Haloti Ngata. No comment.
• 2.38: Thomas Howard -> Devin Hester. Why yes I did just draft a kick and punt returner over Greg Jennings, Andrew Whitworth, and Tim Jennings.
• 3.69: Paul McQuistan -> Jahri Evans. Slight upgrade at OL here.
• 4.101: Darnell Bing (hahahahaha) -> Brandon Marshall. Because Rodgers throwing to Fitzgerald and Vincent Jackson wasn't enough.
• 6.176: Kevin Boothe -> Antoine Bethea. Cuz when I have this offense who needs a line right?
• 7.214: Chris Morris -> Cortland Finnegan. More like Cortland innegan. (If you don't get this joke it's because Andre Johnson beat the F out of him.)
• 7.255: Kevin McMahan -> Kevin McMahan. Yep. Mr. Irrelevant. Insert my joke that I already made.

2007 NFL Draft: (the sadness, seemingly, crests...)

• 1.1: JaMarcus Russell -> Patrick Willis. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ohhh HAHAHAHAHAH ahhhhahaahHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. So JaMarcus Russell was--hahahem--a bust. Willis, on the other hand, is a future Hall of Famer. So yeah. This is happening.
• 2.38: Zach Miller -> Ryan Kalil. Miller was actually a decent pick, but Kalil is just better. I apparently never draft tackles. I didn't want to draft Joe Thomas because Willis is way better. So.
• 3.65: Quentin Moses -> Marshal Yanda. Who is a guard. Yep. (We're gonna play him at tackle shhhh don't tell.)
• 3.91: Mario Henderson -> Jermon Bushrod
• 3.99: Johnnie Lee Higgins -> Dashon Goldson
• 4.100: Michael Bush -> Le'Ron McClain
• 4.110: John Bowie -> Corey Graham. This is the last good player in this draft.
• 5.138: Jay Richardson -> C.J. Ah You. Literally just for his name.
• 5.165: Eric Frampton -> Brandon Fields. The punter.
• 6.175: Oren O'Neal -> Nick Folk. The kicker.
• 7.254: Jonathan Holland -> Ramzee Robinson. Two players left in the draft. They chose the wrong one.

2008 NFL Draft:

• 1.4: Darren McFadden -> Ryan Clady. Let's finally, finally give ARod the great left tackle he's always deserved and never gotten.
• 4.100: Tyvon Branch -> Josh Sitton. And let's go ahead and throw in an All-Pro level guard to go with him. Also, how the hell did the Raiders not have a single pick between 4th and 100th overall in this draft?? What a terrible franchise.
• 4.125: Arman Shields -> Carl Nicks. Because this is the year we're drafting all our offensive linemen. (Also let me point out that we now have five--count them, five--All-Pro offensive guards on this roster. Fuck yesssss.)
• 6.169: Trevor Scott -> Pierre Garcon. I guess. Uh.
• 7.226: Chaz Schilens -> Justin Forsett. In case Turner burns out and needs a replacement. (He will.)

2009 NFL Draft:

• 1.7: Darrius Heyward-Bey -> Clay Matthews. Whoops.
• 2.47: Michael Mitchell -> LeSean McCoy. You can't have too many talented offensive weapons. Although we do have kind of a lot.
• 3.71: Matt Shaughnessy -> Louis Vasquez. Kinda hoping you can't have too many elite offensive linemen either. (We're playing him at RT.)
• 4.124: Louis Murphy -> Thomas Morstead. Because punters. Why not.
• 4.126: Slade Norris -> Zach Miller. Just to fuck with people.
• 6.199: Stryker Sulak -> Pat McAfee. The year of the punter.
• 6.202: Brandon Myers -> Julian Edelman. There is not much talent in this draft.

2010 NFL Draft:

• 1.8: Rolando McClain -> Earl Thomas. Hold on tight, folks. This might be a rough one.
• 2.44: Lamarr Houston -> NaVorro Bowman. We just hit the iceberg. The Titanic is going down.
• 3.69: Jared Veldheer -> Jimmy Graham. Leo DiCaprio is drowing.
• 4.106: Bruce Campbell -> Aaron Hernandez. Different application this time, but inarguably true, say it with me, That's so Raiders!
• 4.108: Jacoby Ford -> Kam Chancellor. Cuz he's totally more valuable than Geno Atkins, right??
• 5.138: Walter McFadden -> Greg Hardy. I have a bug bite on my arm and it fucking itches. What is this bullshit? I thought I lived in a temperate (albeit wet) city, not the fucking woods.
• 6.190: Travis Goethel -> Antonio Brown. NEAR, FAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE
• 7.215: Jeremy Ware -> Marc Mariani. This guy made a Pro Bowl. Who knew?
• 7.251: Stevie Brown -> Tim Toone. Just cuz I want the Raiders to have more Mr. Irrelevants. It just seems so... uh... applicable.

2011 NFL Draft: (Rapidly approaching the present)

• 2.48: Stefen Wisniewski -> Justin Houston. This one was actually a good pick. I mean, Houston's one of the ten best defensive players in the league today (or at least he was when I wrote this), so obviously we're picking him, but still. Credit where credit's due. Which, for the Raiders, is really, really infrequently.
• 3.81: DeMarcus Van Dyke -> Jordan Cameron
• 3.92: Joseph Barksdale -> Julius Thomas
• 4.113: Chimdi Chekwa -> Richard Sherman. No big deal, just an all-time great corner slipping past while you take Chimdi freaking Chekwa.
• 4.125: Taiwan Jones -> Jason Kelce. And a dude named Taiwan Jones. Literally a villain from a kung fu flick. Well, not literally.
• 5.148: Denarius Moore -> Byron Maxwell. Now we're going to play the "drafting Seahawks defensive players" game.
• 6.181: Richard Gordon -> Bruce Miller. And also this. #stillTheBestDraftInRaidersHistory
• 7.241: David Ausberry -> Malcolm Smith. And the SUPER BOWL MVP!! Remember when people who don't really watch the Seahawks thought Smith was actually an integral part of our defense, and not just a substitute linebacker who got a few lucky plays in the Super Bowl? And then they didn't figure it out until he was not starting the next year and we let him walk the year after that? Yeah. Sports media are stupid (except this blog!).

2012 NFL Draft:

• 3.95: Tony Bergstrom -> Kirk Cousins. Hahahahaha holy shit the Raiders didn't actually have a single pick before Russell Wilson, the biggest QB draft steal since Tom fucking Brady, went at #75. They failed to have a top-75 pick the ONE YEAR it could have saved their franchise. Note that they did, in fact, have a pick higher than #95: they sacrificed a 3rd rounder to pick Terrell Pryor. The best part? Even that wouldn't have been early enough to take Wilson! And once they spent it on Pryor? They couldn't have even taken Nick Foles! The deepest QB draft in YEARS, and the Raiders completely blank it! So I gave them Kirk Cousins. The guy who backed up the biggest disappointment in this draft. Because this, all of this, every word of it... Well, That's so Raiders!
• 4.129: Miles Burris -> Josh Norman. He's overrated but on the Raiders he's correctly rated.
• 5.158: Jack Crawford -> Blair Walsh. We're taking a kicker in the fifth.
• 5.168: Juron Criner -> Justin Bethel. We're also taking a special teams player in the fifth.
• 6.189: Christo Bilukidi -> J.R. Sweezy. Let's take the two Seahawks big people who I used to get confused back in 2012.
• 7.230: Nathan Stupar -> Greg Scruggs. The sad part is that none of my joke selections are actually any worse than the Raiders' real selections. I've been following football religiously for a decade, and I haven't heard of a single player the Raiders drafted in 2012. But that doesn't include Terrell Pryor, because he's a Seahawk for life.

2013 NFL Draft:

• 1.12: D.J. Hayden -> DeAndre Hopkins. Silly Raiders. Taking a second consecutive player named D.J. (after Fluker at 1.11) instead of taking the Next Big Thing at wide receiver. That's pretty Raiders. But not quite Raiders enough to earn a bold. It's insufficiently Raiders.
• 2.42: Menelik Watson -> Le'Veon Bell. We're drafting running backs now.
• 3.66: Sio Moore -> J.J. Wilcox. Whoops, wrong player with the initials J.J.W. [The right pick here is Tyrann Mathieu, but I wanted to make this joke.]
• 4.112: Tyler Wilson -> Kyle Juszczyk. Aaand they picked the wrong player with the last name of Wilson. So instead I'm giving them a player whose name they can't pronounce (but you can lol: yooz-check) as punishment.
• 6.172: Nick Kasa -> Andre Ellington. The ass end of this draft sucks. Literally gonna fill in the next few spots with whatever names I happen to recognize. #sportswriting
• 6.181: Latavius Murray -> Spencer Ware.
• 6.184: Mychal Rivera -> Demetrius McCray. Don't ask me how I know this name.
• 6.205: Stacy McGee -> Charles Johnson. Totally.
• 7.209: Brice Butler -> Ryan Seymour. Kinda sounds like Richard Seymour.
• 7.233: David Bass -> B.J. Daniels. Rodgers's heir apparent, apparently.

2014 NFL Draft:

• 1.5: Khalil Mack -> Aaron Donald. Wait, what? The Raiders make their first really, really good draft pick since... uh... Steve Wisniewski in 2011, and I'm taking it away? Well, yes. Because as good as Mack has been, Donald has been better. Haha. Raiders.
• 2.36: Derek Carr -> Derek Carr. Sure. Why the fuck not.
• 3.81: Gabe Jackson -> Chris Watt. Through the powers of Chris Watt and J.J. Wilcox combined, the Raiders have drafted... Chris Wilcox! [The right pick here is Devonta Freeman, but I needed to make this joke.]
• 4.107: Justin Ellis -> Cassius Marsh. Working off my theory that all athletes named Cassius are amazing. And my alternate theory that I won't recognize any non-Seahawks for the remainder of this draft.
• 4.116: Keith McGill -> Kevin Pierre-Louis. In three years y'all are gonna be saying "Holy shit, who saw KPL's massive breakout coming?" The answer is me. Just wait.
• 7.219: Travis Carrie -> Brandon Watts. Still desperately trying to draft JJ Watt.
• 7.235: Shelby Harris -> Will Smith. Hahaha.
• 7.247: Jonathan Dowling -> Michael Sam. Yeah I did.

2015 NFL Draft:

• 1.4: Amari Cooper -> Amari Cooper. Fine.
• 2.35: Mario Edwards, Jr. -> Frank Clark.
• 3.68: Clive Walford -> Tyler Lockett. Seriously? Drafting a football player named Clive the pick before the all-time great Tyler Lockett?
• 4.128: Jon Feliciano -> Stefon Diggs.
• 5.140: Ben Heeney -> J.J. Nelson. This close.
• 5.161: Neiron Ball -> Michael Bennett. Not that Michael Bennett.
• 6.179: Max Valles -> Kristjan Sokoli. The revolution is here.
• 7.218: Anthony Morris -> Bobby Hart.
• 7.221: Andre Debose -> Ryan Murphy.
• 7.242: Dexter McDonald -> Xzavier Dickson. I'm not completely convinced that this name isn't the product of Wikipedia vandalism.

Final Roster: (just the good players, and assuming 100% talent retention, which should be easy with a genius GM like me):

QB: Aaron Rodgers, Matt Schaub, Derek Carr, Kirk Cousins
RB: LeVeon Bell, LeSean McCoy, Michael Turner, Justin Forsett
FB: Le’Ron McClain, Kyle Juszczyk, Bruce Miller
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Brandon Marshall, Antonio Brown, Vincent Jackson, DeAndre Hopkins
TE: Jason Witten, Jimmy Graham, Aaron Hernandez, Julius Thomas
OT: Ryan Clady, Marshal Yanda, Louis Vasquez
OG: Evan Mathis, Jahri Evans, Josh Sitton, Carl Nicks
C: Dan Koppen, Jason Kelce, Ryan Kalil
DE: Jared Allen, Robert Mathis, Justin Tuck, Greg Hardy
DT: Haloti Ngata, Aaron Donald, Jay Ratliff, Darnell Dockett,
OLB: Justin Houston, Lance Briggs, Clay Matthews
MLB: Patrick Willis, NaVorro Bowman
CB: Richard Sherman, Nnamdi Asomugha, Asante Samuel, Cortland Finnegan, Josh Norman, Byron Maxwell
S: Earl Thomas, Kam Chancellor, Antoine Bethea, Dashon Goldson
K: Blair Walsh
P: Andy Lee
KR/PR: Devin Hester
ST: Justin Bethel