Travis Frederick: 3. He was a center for Dallas for 6 years. He is the 37th-highest-rated center by Pro-Football-Reference and only 7 of them are in the Hall. This isn't a real conversation.
Luke Kuechly: 1. Unfortunately this is a lock. He only played 8 years but they were very highly regarded (even if he's a little overrated). He's rated higher by PFR than fuckin Brian Urlacher. I don't think he's quite THAT good, but he definitely deserves his position here.
Marshawn Lynch: 2. Sorry, Beast Mode. He's a Seattle legend.
Eli Manning: 3. So, I don't personally think Eli should sniff even the Hall of Very Good. He's, like, the chairperson of the Hall of Okay. The Hall of Right Place, Right Time. The Hall of Are We Really Going To Give A Guy A Fucking Place In Canton Because He Won Two Games??? The answer is unfortunately yes. This is like the George W. Bush of HoF picks. "Let's elect that other Manning now," said some sick fuck. On the PFR rankings he's between Russell Wilson and Ken Anderson. Fuck.
Joe Staley: 2. I feel like "Put this offensive tackle in the Hall" is a hard sell unless they're a Big Name. Walter Jones. Jon Ogden. Orlando Pace. Anthony Munoz. Joe Thomas. Those are Big Names. Joe Staley? That's the guy who was good on the Niners for a couple years. Remember, when they almost won a Super Bowl that time? They didn't, but they almost did.
Terrell Suggs: 2. I honestly feel gross even giving him a 2 because he's not that fucking good but he played for a million (read: 18) years so the counting stats look really good. Whatever. Terrell Suggs on my balls aha.
Aqib Talib: 3. I forgot this guy existed. In the PFR HOF rankings he's two spots below Rick Volk and four spots above Rosey Taylor. Other guys he's ranked below: Chris McAlister, Gary Fencik, Erich Barnes, Frank Minnifield, Tim McDonald, and Troy Vincent. Who? I know, right?
Adam Vinatieri: 1. If you're going to have kickers in the HOF (and you should) you can't not have him. This guy started playing when I was 3 and retired when I was 26. (Well, probably 25.) He won like a bajillion games and kicked basically all the famous kicks of the 2000s.
Marshal Yanda: 2. Idk man. He's a fucking guard. He was good sometimes.
Eric Allen: 3. I did not forget he existed. I simply have never heard his name before. That makes sense because he retired when I was 8. Why is he on this list??
Jared Allen: 1. "But Anna, he only has 5 Pro Bowls and is well below the HOF DE average and he's already failed to get in several times and he's rated below Harvey Martin and Neil Smith." I don't give a fuck. He should have been in the Hall already. I get one free 1 and I'm using it here.
Willie Anderson: 2. Eh.
Jahri Evans: 2. A higher 2 than Yanda. Or like, closer to a 1. Which I guess would be a lower 2. He's a guard, too, but maybe a better one?
Antonio Gates: 1. Maybe even a 0. A fucking -10. It is a disgrace that he's not in the Hall already. He's the #4 rated TE of all time (by PFR). I get that the numbers aren't as big as wide receivers', and that can be very confusing to the HoF voters. But this is not a hard decision.
Rodney Harrison: 3. What. Fuck off, dude. He's the 73rd rated safety. This guy makes Eric Allen look like Ronnie Lott.
Torry Holt: 1. Another disgraceful and humiliating failure by the Hall voters to put players who are actually fucking good in the Hall. "Should Eli be in the Hall???" Why don't we start by putting the best players of all time at their positions in the Hall, and then we can think about including the good ones, and THEN maybe we can get to Eli Manning. Was the best receiver on one of the best offenses of all time a good wide receiver, maybe?? Do you think???? He averaged 1450 yards per game for 6 straight years starting from his second year in the league. That is straight up better than any 6-year stretch in Terrell Owens's career. Or Randy Moss's. Jerry Rice beats it, barely.
Fred Taylor: 2. Dude has one Pro Bowl. His stats are more impressive than that, which earns him a 2 instead of a 3, but he's not a contender here.
Reggie Wayne: 1. Wayne is not as good as Torry Holt (no matter what PFR says), but that's kind of like saying "Drew Brees was not as good as Tom Brady." It's true, but it's not exactly an insult.
Darren Woodson: 3. For a second I thought this was Darren Sharper. I'm glad it's not. He's not a Hall of Famer though.
Earl Thomas: 1. Statistically, he's not quite there. I know that. And yet. I compare him to Kenny Easley, the other great safety in Seahawks history (Chancellor is the other other one). Their accolades are virtually identical, and Thomas was the anchor for a much stronger defense that simply did not function without him (ask me how I know). I know guys don't typically get in for short periods of dominance anymore. The voters love counting stats and they're writers so they hate Thomas and all Seahawks. But dammit, he defined a defense that defined a decade. He was the best safety of his generation. It seems stupid to leave him out.
Ryan Kalil: 3. Whatever.
Darren Sproles: 3. We're in the dregs now. Maybe it's time to stop.
Clay Matthews: 3. Just a couple more that catch my eye.
Cameron Wake: 3.
Demaryius Thomas: 2. Maybe a hot take, and he won't get in, but I actually respect this guy's career. And, like Holt but unlike Wayne, he actually WAS the best wide receiver on an all-time great offense. It just... wasn't really because of him.
Top 15!!!!
These are, like, the semifinal candidates. They're roughly ordered by ranking (1s then the best 2s then the rest of the 2s).
Luke Kuechly
Adam Vinatieri
Jared Allen
Antonio Gates
Torry Holt
Reggie Wayne
Earl Thomas
Jahri Evans
Marshawn Lynch
Joe Staley
Marshal Yanda
Demaryius Thomas
Willie Anderson
Terrell Suggs
Fred Taylor
Final Selections
Torry Holt
Antonio Gates
Luke Kuechly
Earl Thomas
Jared Allen
I realize these are some controversial choices. I do not expect the voters to follow my lead here (if I had to guess, I am certain they will include motherfucking Eli Manning, and I'm equally certain they'll leave out both Thomas and Allen. Probably they'll include Vinatieri). But these are my picks, and I stand by them. Holt and Gates are hard locks for me; neither is the best at their position, but both are (IMO) top 5, and top 5 should always be a lock. Picking between the other 1s (Kuechly, Thomas, Allen, Vinatieri, and Wayne) was somewhat harder. I was confident all were better choices than my 2s and 3s, but that's a strong group.
I first eliminated Vinatieri, because frankly, while he is perhaps the greatest kicker of all time, I don't particularly think he's the best, and I care less about longevity, counting stats, and "but he made x play in y game" than most people (including the voters, cough cough Eli Manning. God I'm gonna look like a jerkoff if they don't pick him lol). I decided Kuechly was a must-have; as much as I think he's somewhat overrated, his career speaks for itself, and I can't reasonably justify him as the worst remaining in that group. So it came down to Thomas, Allen, and Wayne. All three players are great, but none of them have a lock here. Thomas I think really is the finest safety of his generation, and had the biggest impact on his team. Allen was an elite DE, and a master of sacks and pressures. Wayne was an excellent receiver, but he wasn't as consistently elite as those two, and played in an era of offenses greatly benefiting from rule changes. I still think Wayne is a HoFer (Vinatieri too), but these five are my picks for next year's class.
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