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You remember that time that Oscar Robertson averaged a triple double for a season (in '62) and it was considered one of the best seasons ever even though by pace it was basically a 10-3-3? And then Westbrook did basically the same thing only in the modern NBA and at modern pace and people criticized him for "not playing defense" and "losing a lot" and "only averaging a triple double and breaking the record for triple doubles in a season because he wanted to look cool," but they gave him the MVP anyway because of my very influential and convincing article? That was really something. One of the big historical achievements in NBA history, and we were all there to witness it.

And then he did it again this year and nobody fucking noticed.

I don't even get it. Like, I'm the poster child for explaining why media biases and whatever "narrative" is fuck up fans' perceptions of what's actually going on in sports, and even I don't understand how nobody noticed what Westbrook was doing this year. Admittedly there were fewer fourth-quarter explosions this time around, and the scoring fell off a little, but still: Russell Westbrook just averaged only the third triple double in NBA history, with a 25.4-10.1-10.3. Can you imagine what would have happened if LeBron had put up these numbers? No, seriously-- he would have gotten a unanimous MVP. He would have been proclaimed the Greatest GOAT Of All Time. Delonte would have welcomed him back into the James household with open arms. But Westbrook does it twice in a row and nobody cares. Just because LeBron is way better than him and has actually done things like winning in the finals and playing defense ("has done" implying, obviously, that both of these things are in the past and are not likely to happen again), we don't care that Westbrook put up maybe the fourth most impressive seasonal statline in NBA history? Are we so far removed from conventional stats that we genuinely don't care that we just saw probably the only two triple-double seasons we're likely to see in our short and miserable lives, back to back?

I'm not even saying he should win MVP. He should, but only because James Harden is a cancer on the NBA and any minor shock of disappointment in his life is like mother's milk to me. Actually, can we change subjects real quick and talk about how I literally don't watch Houston games anymore because watching Harden flop around like a fucking fish is so painful? I'm not even going to link to anything here, because if you're reading this blog and you haven't seen Harden jumping onto someone's back to draw a defensive personal foul, you're just willfully ignorant. If the Rockets and Celtics make the finals, which it looks like has about a 40% chance of happening, I legitimately might not watch them, which will be the first finals I'll've missed since like 2007 (and I honestly might have watched that and just forgotten).

Longer articles mean better journalism, so here are some more sneers and jeers for NBA players I dislike.

• Anthony Davis, your unibrow looks like shit, because it's a fucking unibrow. It's like if I were the player known for playing with like feces smeared all over my face. Oh, what a branding opportunity! Except I'd still look better than you, you ugly-ass unibrow-having-ass motherfucker. (I'm so glad no one reads this blog.)
• Kevin Durant, I'm not even going to address the whole bitch-made Golden State thing, because I already know you're sensitive on the subject. But remember when people were talking about how you're like a great defensive player and then you were like, sike, I'm still mediocre-as-fuck Kevin Durant on D? And how everyone keeps pretending that you're somehow the second-best player in the league but you're only like in the argument for the second-best player on your team?
• And you nicknamed yourself Servant. The fucking Servant. And this was BEFORE you quit out on your team to go join the 73-9 Warriors.
• Ben Simmons can't shoot. He doesn't even try to shoot. I'm still pretty sure he's shooting with the wrong hand. He looks pretty good for a guy that can't shoot, but there just isn't precedent for someone this bad making it in the NBA.
• What the fuck, Raptors?
• And how are the Celtics this good? They lose maybe their two nominally best players (even though I've never exactly been high on Kyrie or Hayward) and they're suddenly the best team in the East? I'm all for them making the finals and losing, but if they WIN with a team led by Al fucking Horford and a couple of 20-year-olds, I'm not going to be happy.
• Why the fuck is Israel monolingual? Yiddish is such a cooler language than Hebrew, linguistically, and it's way more relevant to the survivors of the Holocaust, which is the whole damn point. But now it's dying because of linguistic chauvinism.
• Microsoft Edge is claiming now to be the fastest browser, but it still feels slow as fuck and clunky to use. Plus Chrome has finally caught up to Firefox with the extensions (although it still crashes when I have too much shit open and it's got massive fucking memory leaks -- seriously, where's the good browser these days?), and I have literally no idea what the Edge extension situation is.
• Why does the dude from Rancid sound so weird when he sings? Like weirdly British or something, even though he's allegedly American? And plus the dude from Kings of Leon. And Kendrick fucking Lamar. Am I the only one who notices these things? I've actually googled "Kings of Leon singer sounds weird" and found nothing. Is that how everyone else thinks people sound when they sing?
• Climate change is going to kill us all and nobody's doing anything about it because nobody notices or cares and because global capital is destroying any sense of moral obligation or social contract between government and governed. We've replaced morality with profitability and nobody seems to care. This is not a welcoming world. This is a broken world, heading rapidly for catastrophic ecological disaster. Doesn't anyone realize that the Great Filter is inevitable self-annihilation?
• The 118-110 Golovkin-Álvarez scoring is probably one of the most outrageous boxing-related stunts I've ever seen and is, for me, categorical proof that boxing is at least as fixed as basketball. I also find it funny, for the record, that people pretend that the NBA is like pristine and unfixable when this already fucking happened. Remember the big sweeping reforms to root out and destroy referee corruption? Yeah, me neither.
• Why the fuck aren't we holding floppers accountable? There was a tiny little effort a few years back that's just been abandoned. I had two good ideas for curtailing flopping. The first one was the exponential approach: for a player's nth career flop, they're fined $10^n. That'll stop them right quick, but it's still only my second-best idea. The other one is this: You get two warnings. Starting with your third flop (and we'll review them to make sure they're legit, don't worry) we cut off one of your fingers. After twelve flops you're probably not in the NBA any longer anyway.
• The obsession with advanced stats in basketball has become a problem. Advanced stats are for nerds. All I care about is flashy dunks.
• Oh also there's this weird obsession now with claiming that Kobe's all-defensive teams are increasingly illegitimate. It started with this claim that his last few were undeserved, and then it spread to like the whole latter half of his career, and now people are claiming that he was never even a good defender, which is kind of like when Tolstoy claimed that Shakespeare "can not be recognized either as a great genius, or even as an average author." The truth is that all of Kobe's All-Defensive teams were voted on by NBA coaches, and they were all legitimate. Suck my balls.
• I started writing this article on why Jordan is overrated and it grew and grew and I never published it and now it's like 15 pages long and still not done. I'd finish it and publish it but no one's going to read it, so I'm going to wait until I get famous and do it then. It's not like you're going anywhere, dear reader.

Peace.